


Wishes

by nimery



Series: Dear Gon/Dear Killua [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anime Spoilers, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Letters, Pre-Slash, musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-14 21:24:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3426071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimery/pseuds/nimery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While traveling, Killua keeps writing letters that remain unsent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Strength

Gon,

Nothing dissuades you, does it.

I know that I specifically told you not to look for me, and what do I hear?

You're going around asking people about me.

I saw this coming, of course. Once you put your mind to something, no one will ever tell you otherwise or that it's a bad idea.

But I bet you're at the center of all the things I've been hearing about. No, I don't bet. I guarantee.

I heard about what you did with the Chimera Ants...

I wish I could've been there.

But I know you managed well enough on your own, it's what you do. You're strong in a way I'm not. You're determined, and I'm not at all surprised you were able to beat them.

I wish I could be like you, Gon. I wish I could be strong like you.

The thing is even when I was with you, I couldn't do anything.

You were my light, a blinding beacon that sometimes shined too brightly for me. But that's your virtue.

I hope you're still the same beacon you always were. The same Gon that stayed behind to get the chairman to use his right hand. The same Gon who shined so brightly after punching Hisoka in the face.

You know. I miss those days.

Back when the only thing we had to worry about was training, and being able to get to York Shin. Back when our only trouble came from a memory card...

I heard about Netero.

I'm sorry.

It must have been hard.

You were always closer to him than I was. Hell, you were closer to everyone.

All I really had was you.

So who knows what would've happened had I stayed to fight Neferpitou with you.

Who knows what would've happened if I had decided to stay.

I was thinking just now... Why should I even write this? It's not like you'll ever read it, I don't plan on leaving it with a mutual friend, so why am I pushing myself through writing these words?

Maybe it's because I have more I want to say to you.

Maybe it's because I didn't actually want to leave you.

You were my first friend, and really, you were the only friend I actually ever cared about.

It's just like what I had told Illumi. I just want to be your friend.

That's my goal. Like we were talking about.

I'll stay with you until I figure out my goal, well that's it.

My goal is to be your friend.

Frankly, I'm doing a really shitty job at that right now, but I guess some goals just aren't supposed to be met.

I hear there's going to be an election. Well, you have my vote.

-Killua


	2. Nightmares

Gon,

How long has it been since I left? I could swear that it's been years.

I went back to the manor the other day.

Mike is well, so are the butlers, Canaria, Gotoh.

I don't really know where else to go anymore. I've seen more of the world, but it's not the same.

It's like I need you to be there to make things matter to me. Because when it comes down to it, I only really care about you.

So here I am, back at the manor. In my old bedroom. And I still feel as though I don't belong here.

Dad was glad to see me.

I guess that's something.

Mom almost had an aneurysm. You should've seen her, Gon, she flipped a lid when I walked in.

Well, I've been back for about a week and now they want me to get back into the family business.

But I remember what I promised you.

I'm supposed to be a good guy now. I'm not allowed to kill people anymore, nor do I want to.

But the problem is Illumi.

Last night, I had a dream where I killed you.

We met again. It was like something had broken, and my hands had shifted and I ripped out your heart.

I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Illumi's words were echoing in my head. "One day, you're going to kill him, just to see if you can." It's like my dream- I shouldn't call it a dream, I should call it a nightmare- was cementing the idea that I will kill you.

But I only got this dream now. When I'm back at the manor.

I can only begun to imagine why. There are too many options, too many unexplainable instances.

I need to get out. Soon.

Before something worse happens.

But I have something I need to do first. I never talked to you at an extent about my life before everything that happened, but this is a part that I should probably mention.

Because I'm going to save Alluka. 

She's my little sister, and she's just about as frail as a normal kid, so not like me or you.

But she's special too, just like us.

She's kept locked up under the house so I'm going to get to her, tomorrow probably, and I'm going to save her.

It's going to be hard, but when is anything with either of us easy?

Anyway, I hope you're doing well, I heard something about a World Tree from Leorio before I got home.

I'm glad you found him, Gon.

Was he like you imagined? Was he better?

I bet the look on your face was something to see. I bet you flashed that winning smile, glad to achieve your goal. I bet you're still with him too. You were always so set on finding him, but now it's over, what will you do?

I guess, somewhere deep inside me, I want you to look for me. I guess that would be nice.

Damn.

That was embarrassing.

I should stop myself before I write things like that. You're the one who says the embarrassing stuff, not me.

Just like I'm the one who stays cool and stops you from doing stupid things, right?

It's getting late.

And I need to rest if I'm going to save Alluka tomorrow.

-Killua


End file.
